Sean went out last night. After I put Flora to bed, I had the evening to myself. There were a million things I could have done. Should have done. Instead I sat in my chair, had my dinner, watched TV, and played around online. A typical evening, productivity be damned.
I feel like I’m barely holding on to my life. Most nights after Flora goes to bed, I just want to sit and relax. Those few hours after her bedtime and before mine are the only hours I have complete control over my time. The only time in my day where no one wants anything significant from me.
My house looks like a bomb went off most of the time. Since we’re considering selling it in the next few months, I feel worse about the state of my home than I usually do. Sean has started decluttering his stuff (something he’s needed to do for years) and has begun organizing some general repairs we’ve been putting off. I’ve packed my books for storage in my mum’s basement but I’m having a hard time keeping up momentum to work through my decluttering.
There’s just so much to do. Going through our life’s accumulations to decide what comes with us and what gets passed on. Getting rid of enough stuff to make a trip to my local second-time-around shop worth the effort of packing it. I joke sometimes that I should just set the house on fire (with everyone out of it and safe of course). I know that is a horrible, irresponsible, hateful idea, but sometimes disaster feels better than actually doing the work.
Sean is the catalyst of this project. I am grateful that he doesn’t go into overwhelm like I do, but his methods are making me crazy. He has several half-finished decluttering jobs in progress throughout the house. I can’t work like that. I need to make a list, prioritize it and check the tasks off as I complete them one by one. The problem is I feel too overwhelmed to even make that list. My mental list is somewhat formulated, but I need to commit it to paper (or screen) so I can get the satisfaction of checking those tasks off when they are done.
My mum (bless her) has offered to come up and help us. It embarrasses me that I need that help. I know if I did a little bit each night, I’d make progress. I’m just so depleted by 8pm that I need to just decompress for a bit. Then when I’m finally relaxed, I don’t want to get up and start working again. I want to keep relaxing.
I need to figure something out because stuff needs to get done. What do you do?