May 082012
 

I had a car accident about six weeks ago.

It was minor as far as car accidents go: I was okay, the other guy was okay. Our cars needed some work, but that is long settled and I’m back behind the wheel. I wasn’t sore the next day, but I was exhausted emotionally after spending hours sobbing out of shame, fear and worry. I’m not sure if I’ve ever cried that much all at once.

What if I had hurt the other person?

What if I had been hurt?

What if my kid had been with me?

What if? What if? What if?

I spent a lot of time the day of the accident waiting for someone to yell at me: the other driver, the woman at the body shop, the report taker and cop at the collision centre, Sean, my mom, my colleagues who were waiting for me at the office.

No one yelled – people were almost blasé about it. “Cars get wrecked all the time. No one was hurt and that’s what matters.” This is true and I would say the same thing to someone else, but I had a hard time shaking the shame and the guilt that I. Fucked. Up.

It happened on my way to work so I drive past the spot where it happened twice a day, five days a week. These days, I’m extra vigilant around where it happened, but not overly so. I made sure to get back behind the wheel quickly so I wouldn’t be afraid to when my car was fixed. Two days after the accident, I drove with Sean and Flora to the grocery store. Sean bristled at being a passenger and I got us all there in one piece. This event and the expected reactions to it were a big step to returning back to normal.

And I am back to normal. Mostly.

Mar 152012
 

Well, I’m here. We’re all here. We moved into the new house a couple of weeks ago and while we still have boxes to unpack, we’re mostly settled in.

We’re getting used to having more space than we had before. Space is nice.

Sean and I are figuring out our new routines. We’ve truly joined suburbia and bought a second car. Looking around the neighbourhood, I’m shocked at how many cars are in the driveways. I shouldn’t be surprised about that, but it’s still quite a sight when everyone is home for the night.

We’re still getting used to getting up earlier in the morning. I should probably be in bed right now, but after working late tonight (a not-so-regular occurrence given my preference for spending what few evening hours I have with my family), I needed to get some things done. I also needed to have some by-myself time. I need to make sure I carve out some writing time – I have lots on my mind.

In short: we’ve moved, we’re happy, we’re busy. We’re like every other family in suburbia. And that’s okay.

Jan 082012
 

Happy… Old Year?

I’m a little behind. Forgive me, I’ve been busy.

Like so many other bloggers, I’ve chosen a word for 2012. I have a feeling 2012 is going to be a big year, and not just because there are theories that the world is going to end come December. (Personally I don’t buy it, but lots of people do so I have to acknowledge it.)

The word I’ve chosen for 2012 is:

create

  • I want to create  great content for hellomelissa.net
  • I want to create more in general
  • I want to create a happy, settled, comfortable home for me and my family
  • I want to create the life I want for myself, which will benefit my family

It’s a short list, but they’re pretty lofty ambitions. Wish me luck.

 

Jan 042012
 

Via Flickr:

I snapped this picture this morning on my way to Warden subway station. In case you can’t read it, the graffiti says “All TTC Workers Suck Ass”.

(For folks who don’t live in Toronto, the TTC is the Toronto Transit Commission. They operate our public transit system.)

This makes me angry for lots of reasons but here are two:

1) All TTC workers *do not* suck ass. Most TTC workers I’ve dealt with are good folks. You get what you give so the Golden Rule is a good rule to live by.

2) It’s demoralizing for both TTC employees and riders. When people are demoralized, they don’t do their best work. This applies to TTC riders just as much as TTC employees.

I hope this gets cleaned up soon.

I snapped this picture this morning on my way to Warden subway station. In case you can’t read it, the graffiti says “All TTC Workers Suck Ass”.

(For folks who don’t live in Toronto, the TTC is the Toronto Transit Commission. They operate our public transit system.)

This makes me angry for lots of reasons but here are two:

1) All TTC workers *do not* suck ass. Most TTC workers I’ve dealt with are good folks. You get what you give so the Golden Rule is a good rule to live by.

2) It’s demoralizing for both TTC employees and riders. When people are demoralized, they don’t do their best work. This applies to TTC riders just as much as TTC employees.

I hope this gets cleaned up soon.

Update: On my way to work this morning (January 5th), I saw that this graffiti was gone. The window looked to be badly scratched up due to the cleaner, which is an unfortunate, but understandable side effect. I hope that doesn’t block people’s view of the buses too much, especially when the weather gets worse.

Oct 232011
 

So my Blissdom recap is happening more a full week after I came home from the last party. You know, the one where that guy from the late-80s boyband showed up.

No matter, I’m choosing to believe that I’ve taken time to consider my thoughts and formulate my opinions. It was not that my laptop was busted or that I have a life outside of the Internet – I mean really, who has *that* these days?

So I went to Blissdom Canada. I had a good time. It felt different from last year. I’ve been reading everyone else’s blogs all week and I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’m just glad I’m not crazy! The conference, and expo hall, were much larger. The round tables at the front of the session rooms filled up quickly so I usually ended up in the rows of seats at the back of the room. That took away from the community vibe a bit, but doing the whole room with tables would have fit fewer people in so I get why it was done that way.

A lot of people talked about feeling alone or disconnected from other people at the conference. I felt that way too sometimes, but honestly, I expected that. I go to these conferences alone. I’ve connected with lots of the attendees online and met several of them last year. Even with that ‘in’, I don’t like to interrupt other people’s conversations. I often spend a lot of time listening or observing in group situations. By the time I’m ready to comment on something, the moment has passed. I did my best to come out of my shell, but I know I didn’t interact nearly as much as I observed and listened. I did have a great dinner Friday night with Mel and Sherrie Mae, which made up for a lot of the shyness I was feeling earlier in the day.

Many (but not all) of the sessions talked about monetizing your blog, building your personal/professional brand, and working with corporate brands. I left the conference with my intent not to do any of those things intact. I’ve been comforted to learn this week that I am not the only person that feels that way.

When I introduced myself to people, my answer to their first question “how long have you been blogging?” was usually “I’ve been writing online for 11 years, but I’m not very good at it, because my stats aren’t great and my readership is small.” I inwardly cringed every time I said this, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was trying to build myself up by mentioning my longevity in the genre (even though longevity doesn’t really matter). Then I instantly knocked myself back down by saying that even though I have lots of experience, I’m still not “good at it”.

Way to go, self.

I don’t have as many readers and feedback as someone who hustles like crazy to promote themselves and their blog. While I have been blogging a long time, I haven’t always done it consistently. I also haven’t participated in the community aspect of blogging as much as I would like. I read, but rarely comment. (Hey, I remember when blogs didn’t even have comments!) So really, what am I doing to earn readers and feedback?

I want my voice, my writing, to matter. I realize this makes me sound incredibly narcissistic. I write about my life on the internet as a hobby – of course I’m (at least a little) narcissistic.

So ultimately, my takeaways are as follows:

  • In order to publish more, I need to write more. I need to find the time to do this.
  • I need to earn the feedback I want. Good writing is only the start.
  • I need to get a better handle on tasteful promotion, so I can get what I want without feeling gross or dirty about it.
  • I need to stop diminishing myself and develop confidence in my writing and my voice.

Now to actually get started on these things. Advice is welcome.

Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Canada
This work by melissa price-mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Canada.