Saying Yes

Something weird happened to me today. No, really.

I was having a perfectly ordinary day at work when I noticed this tweet:

Intrigued, I checked my email. I had a note asking me if I could do something online in about an hour. It was really short notice (especially considering I had never done it before), but I thought “why not?”. (Note to my work peeps: I made sure I was reasonably caught up with my work first.)

This is how I ended up being part of a panel on HuffPost Live earlier today. The subject was ‘changing your name after you get married’. I believe the producer found me via my post I wrote last year about why I hyphenated my name after I got married.

I’ve never done one of these segments before. It was done via a Google+ Hangout, which I had also never used before (they’re easy). Once I got the confirmation I was in, I hustled to a spare office with my laptop so I could set up and talk without interruption and my cubicle mates thinking I was crazier than normal, talking to myself about my choice of nomenclature.

Here is the link to the discussion.

 I chatted with the other panelists beforehand and they were lovely women. I hope the woman who couldn’t decide what to do about her name (she’s getting married in a month) comes to a decision that works for her and her husband.

I’m not so sure how I did as a first-time panelist with no experience or guidance. I am happy that my microphone worked. I didn’t say a lot – the joys of being an introvert.Too much listening.

I’m proud that I went for it though. If they had caught me on another day, I probably would have just said “No, I’m at work – can’t do it”, and spent the rest of the day wondering “what if I had done it?”

Saying yes can be just as powerful as saying no.

I need to say yes more often. Get out of my rut. Try something new. Have adventures. This feels like a good start.

Why I hyphenated my name after I got married

A couple of days ago, I read an article called “Are Maiden Names Really Worth $500,000?” The link talks about a study that indicates that women who don’t change their name after they marry are perceived as more professional and will end up making more money over the span of their careers.

While I’m not so sure that a woman’s earning power can be predicted based on her choice of name (the author of the study isn’t so sure either, although he is terribly condescending about it), I do know that hyphenating my married and maiden names gave me challenges that I didn’t expect.

Once I was old enough to seriously consider marriage, I was mostly sure that I was going to hyphenate my name. I wanted to keep ties with my father, who has been dead for nearly twenty years. Dad didn’t have any male children, and there aren’t a lot of male children on my dad’s side of the family. When my dark side is rearing its ugly head, I joke that my daddy issues are showing.

I thought about it and my theory was that while I was still part of the family created by my parents, getting married made me part of my husband’s family. I didn’t want to lose my pre-marriage identity, but I didn’t want to ignore my post-marriage identity either. Hyphenating my name allows me to acknowledge both of my families. More importantly, it ties them together.

When I started thinking about all the paperwork I’d have to fill out to update my life to indicate my married name, I thought, “This is a pain in the butt. Why change my name?

A question I was often asked was “If you have a child, would you hyphenate their name?” My answer was always “No – I’m the one that chose to hyphenate my name. Any child I have did not choose that. One name is simpler for a little kid.” I stuck to this when Flora was born, and she only has Mitchell as her last name.

Mitchell is Flora’s maiden name, not Price. If she chooses to hyphenate, change or keep her name if she gets married, she is welcome to do that. It’s her choice to make.

If you are considering hyphenation, here are some tips based on my experience:

  1. Think about how long your name will be. If your name is long, your name may have trouble fitting on ID or on forms. This kink doesn’t apply to everyone but Melissa is my middle name. When I updated my ID to my hyphenated name, some of my ID ended up saying “*FirstName* M Price-Mitchell”. Not having the name I use on my ID causes confusion at important places, like doctor’s offices. (Dear Ontario government ID issuing offices: if you would consider allowing more characters on your ID cards, that would be awesome.)
  2. Do you want any children you have to share your hyphenated name? Or to have your maiden name as a middle name? What we chose to do for Flora worked for us. Your situation may be different. Some couples hyphenate both of their names. There are lots of options. Make sure to think them through so you come up with a decision that works for you and your partner.
  3. Do your initials spell something ridiculous? Like naming a child, you don’t want your initials to spell something silly. I sign a lot of my emails with my initials. “MPM” is neutral. If my name was “Bertha Ulrich-Mitchell”, hyphenating my name may not have been such a good idea. At least not if I still wanted to sign my emails with my initials.

Nearly everyone I talked to about this had an opinion. Some people agreed with our decisions and some people wondered about our choices. Despite the ID issues, I don’t regret adding Sean’s name to mine at all. The other day Flora said to me “Mummy, we’re all Mitchells”. That feels pretty good.

Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Canada
This work by Melissa Price-Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 Canada.
%d bloggers like this: